Farlef Chronicles Episode 2 - Electric Boogaloo

                     

"Six years, feels like forever" Farlef mutters to himself as he drags his broken body through the burning Hell that is Deer Park.

 It has been 6 long years since the government took Papi away. Farlef started working for an anti Pawn Shop agency under the code name AGENT DEER. He only just returned to Deer Park for one simple reason, Sam is dead, that lovable old timey gangster mailman finally died at the ripe age of 105. He died doing what he loved, his mail order bride and delivering the mail, at the same time. This was the sole reason that brought Farlef back to Deer Park to attend his friend Sam's funeral, and to fuck his hot slut asian wife one more time.

 One by one the citizens of the town of Deer Park filtered in to say their goodbyes to their beloved mailman. You see in Deer Park there is nothing to do so a funeral is a good as time as any to get out of the house. Farlef watched creepily from the shadows as people he once called friends came to pay their respects to a good man.

As the funeral progressed Farlef lit up his cigarette and stared intently thinking bout what his next move would be. The trail went cold in finding Papi and he was running out of ideas. The A.P.S.A.A. or the American Pawn Shop Association Of America are a crafty bunch. Every pawn shop from Deer Park to Detroit he knocked over looking for clues, always a day late and a dollar short. Then he heard a sound he hoped he would never hear again. Creeky wheels trying to roll up the hill towards him, the smell of chewing tobacco and shame lingered in the air. Cursing as he wheeled himself up. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.

"Fucking bullshit hill, fucking faggot deer, fucking fuck shit asshole pigeon cunts" The old man yelled as he tried to roll up the hill to the tree Farlef was resting under. Farlef didn't turn around, letting the old man haul himself up on his own accord. He already disgraced the man enough, if he offered help it would be an even worse indignation to his already fragile pride. Farlef checked his watch:

"This might take awhile" he thought to himself as he heard grunts of rage and anger coming from down the hill.

"Enough was enough" Farlef thought to himself. He decided to call out to his estranged crippled father.

"Dad do you want some help?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP SISSY BOY I'LL BE THERE IN TWO MINUTES, JUST WATCH ME"

He moved 3 inches.

Farlef's dad was barely up the hill. It was getting dark and Farlef's phone was bout to die. He already had 2 dates from Tindr, a date from Grindr and a hook up from Deer Parkr to get to so he figured he meet his dad half way.

"Dad listen I know you want to talk and I want to talk to you but this is ridiculous" Farlef said to his blue faced, unable to walk father sitting in his chair. Farlef's dad responded with a resounding yell of defiance.

"THIS HILL WILL NOT STOP ME, I WILL CLIMB THIS EVEREST OF DEER PARK AND PAY MY RESPECTS TO MY BELOVED MAILMAN SAM"

Farlef figuring nothing more could be said just walked away as his father, intent on climbing this juggernaut of dirt, was left to his own devices.

 Farlef awoke early the next day in a pile of bodies. Hung over from the night before he knew not where he nor his clothes were. On the bed were 2 Taiwanese hookers, John Olson, 2 Alpacas and 40 kilos of  sweet Colombian white powder, a bucket of Quaaludes, 3 empty boxes of Papa John's Double Pepperoni pizza (which he sent back once for lack of Pepperoni)  and 12 liters of Mountain Dew or as Farlef called it, the perfect night.

 Farlef rode his Vespa back to graveyard, wondering, hoping, his father hadn't stayed here all night trying to conquer his 3rd greatest enemy, hills. As he made his way to the hill his father was no doubt atop of he,  passed by the graves of friends he's lost over the years, a small smile of memories forgone from a better time played before his eyes as he read the names on the graves.

 "Ah Chris, that fire was truly terrible, and Rey, murdered in the night and thrown into a ditch were a raccoon pissed on his corpse and Lloyd, what a fat fuck" Farlef thought with a smile as he approached the hill.

 Looking at the hill Farlef knew he was in for a climb, it was a large mound of dirt, gravel and old Indian bones that overlooked the vast graveyard.

It took Farlef all of two minutes to climb to the top. Four of those minutes where spent looking for a nearby Haunter that popped up on his Pokemon Go app. He liked to think that it was Sam that he just caught but he new that Sam's spirit pokemon was Pelipper. 

At the summit of Mount Titty Caca Farlef looked around for his father who seemed to of left. Then like a ninja springing a master trap, from the top of a tree a wheelchair came crashing down, attached to a rope and a complex system of pullies and Farlef's dad was sitting in front of him with his weapon drawn. Farlef was shocked at the spectacle til he saw the 3 Mexicans working the rope and figured his father hired these day laborers to help him set this all up. Regardless of how it happened it to took a lot to surprise Farlef, even more to find good Mexican labor in Deer Park.

Farlef's Dad.

"I always knew it would end like this" Farlef's Dad said.

"What are you talking bout old man, I don't know how or why you got this way but we should bury the hatchet, too many people are dead, why shed more blood, also please Father don't sit so close to the edge" Farlef pleaded with his crippled yet heavily armed old man.

"NO YOU SUMBITCH YOU'RE THE REASON I AM LIKE THIS, YOU'RE THE REASON I CAN'T FEEL ANY PAIN BUT THE PAIN THAT KNOWING MY SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL" HE SHOUTED.

"DO YOU REMEMBER 20 YEARS AGO, THAT FATEFUL NIGHT I TOOK YOU TO THAT WRESTLING MATCH. I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY CAUSE THE ONLY MEMORY I CAN REMEMBER IS MEMORIZING THAT MY SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL. IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A FUN NIGHT, ME AND MY BOY, WATCHING GROWN MEN IN THEIR UNDERWEAR ALL GREASED UP AND ROLLING AROUND. THE SMELL OF MAN STANK AND STALE BEER IN THE AIR. IT WAS MAGIC. THEN THE FIRST MATCH I SAW A LOOK IN YOUR EYES, A LOOK THAT WOULD HARM ME IN WAYS NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY HARM ME EVER AGAIN AND IF I KNEW AFTER THAT MOMENT I WOULD NEVER FEEL PAIN IN MY LEGS AGAIN BUT THE PAIN OF KNOWING MY SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL THEN I WOULD OF STEPPED ON A LEGO ONE LAST TIME." He screamed with a mad look in his eye, fingers twitching ready to fire his crossbow/rifle combo'd weapon.

"Dad I was 6, I knew long before that I was of a different nature" Farlef muttered.

"THEN ON THE WAY HOME, I HEARD YOU GO ON AND ON BOUT THOSE STRAPPING MUSCULAR HERCULEAN TITANS WITH THEIR RIPPED ABS AND TONED FIT BODIES. IT DROVE ME RIGHT INTO THAT TREE. FOR 6 MONTHS I WAS IN A COMA, RELIVING THAT MOMENT OVER AND OVER. I WAS COMATOSE, THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING WAS KNOWING I HAD A STRAIGHT, MANLY SON IN JOHN. IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS OF PHYSICAL THERAPY, FALLING DOWN STAIRS AND NOT FEELING ANY PAIN BUT KNOWING MY SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL, STABBING MYSELF REPEATEDLY IN THE LEG TO TRY AND FEEL ANY PAIN EXCEPT FOR THE PAIN OF KNOWING MY SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL BUT TODAY THAT PAIN WILL BE REPLACED WITH GLEE KNOWING I SEND YOU THE SPAWN OF BEELZEBUB HIMSELF BACK TO WHENCE YOU CAME" He shouted. 

With one final huff as he was bout to fire he noticed his son was slowing drifting away from him. He was contemplating how his son could move backwards so fast and then realized he was rolling away from him. 

"Dad I tried to warn you bout the sign" Farlef said pointing to the nearby sign on the tree.

"Dad are you ok" Farlef yelled out to his father. The man might have just tried to kill him but he was still family. If he stopped talking to everyone that tried to kill him he would have no friends left.

"adhniadjaldnDDdfsmpfna" Farlef's dad gurgled back, draped over a frozen piece of ice, legs being gnawed on my local alligators, not that he could feel it.

"What was that dad" Farlef yelled back.

"I'm fine you fairy, this won't kill me, nothing will" As the current dragged him down the river.

"Glad you're alright Dad, see you at Christmas?"

"Yeah and don't forget the Bundt cake this time" his father yelled back.

As Farlef watched his father drift away as a dog swam out to him and climbed onto glacier he was floating on, he was now the Spokane River's problem.

"Papi and my father always said that when I get older I would understand. Well, I finally did. I learned something from these two men. I learned to give love and get love unconditionally. You just have to accept people for what they are, and I learned the greatest gift of all. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever. But you can ask anybody from my neighborhood, and they'll just tell you this is just another Deer Park tale." Bryan quietly mused to himself.

THE END

EPILOGUE

 PAPI'S DEAD, FUCK IT.

ON AUGUST 9TH, 2016 THE SEQUEL TO THE CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FARLEF CHRONICLES ARRIVES.

Coming Summer 2016. Part 2.

Farlef Episode Uno

   

        The story starts off in Deer Park, Washington. A little town that use to be an old military test site that was overrun by bisexual elk who where then executed and then was populated in 1924. At the peak of WWI this bustling town was bombed by the Japs but nobody cared so it was never aired on the news. No one heard about this little town til 30 years later when a man known only as "Papi" showed up. After escaping from a concentration camp in Berlin, Germany he fled to Deer Park to restart his life. He rebuilt the town from the ground up and made Deer Park known for its export of Pawn Shop. It should known that Papi and Stan Lee where good friends and Papi went under the pen name of Jack Kirby and is the inspiration for Magneto being Jewish and a psychopath. They where also known for lurking outside of comic book shops and raping anyone who bought D.C. comics wearing nothing but a latex Spider-Man mask and green socks.

  

             Fifty years passed since Papi rebuilt the town and it was thriving as well as any town can when its main source of income was selling items to a pawn shop. The on one faithful day on August 9, 1990 Farlef was born. He was born at 26 lbs and 12 inches. He was also 21 inches tall. He had flowing brown hair and and a beard of a lumberjack. He was basked in a golden light and already had a ticket stub for Papi's shop. It was then known by Papi his messiah was born. Over the next 10 years Farlef became Papi's apprentice in the trade of the pawn. He brought Papi the rarest items over the face of the earth. Glow in the dark condoms from Egypt, Cure For Cancer's from France, A petrified Cat from China and the rarest item in Papi'sPapi collection Abraham Lincoln's Top Hat. He was a true genius in the trade of the pawn and could not be prouder.

                                              

          The year is 2010 and Farlef is 20 years old. He is fresh out of High School and has credited being the first ever male bisexual nurse in Deer Park, Washington. He is the top of his class, literally. He just came back from Vietnam and is checking if he has any mail from Sam, the local mailman and 1950's gangster.

"Hey Sam, got any mail today for me, I just came back from Vietnam" said Farlef.

"Well ya see Farlef, there's no mail see, there's only vengeance, see" Said Sam as he pulls out Tommy Gun and proceeds to unload it into Farlef. "This is for sleeping with my wife, see".

    Farlef then to jump outta the way with his ninja moves he developed in Korea and a stray bullet hits his Dad paralyzing him on the spot.  Meanwhile during the hail of gunfire, which no one in town cares about, Papi hears it with his Papi Hearing™ a super power he developed from Stan Lee during his time as a criminal rapist. He grabs the nearest item which happened to be Farlef's Paralyzed dad and ran into the Post Office. The scene he witnessed can only be described as the gayest thing on earth. Inside the Post Office Sam was tied to the ceiling, naked, while Farlef and Sam's Chinese wife that he bought on  craigslist where opening other people's mail and laughing at the Federal offence they where committing. This brought a tear to Sam's eye as if he was an Indian and someone polluted in front of him. Papi then discarded Farlef's paralyzed dad and was happy that his protege was ok.

   After leaving the Post Office and reconciling with Sam, who  realized that his wife was a dirty slut and that's why she was so good in the bedroom, Papi and Farlef returned to the Pawn Shop to see the new stock Papi had gotten in. When they arrived the Deer Park SWAT Team where there surrounding the place and arrested Papi.

"What the fuck is going on here, why are you arresting Papi, what did he do" cried Farlef.

"The Man known only as Papi is being arrested by the authority of the A.P.S.A.A. or the American Pawn Shop Association Of America for the following crimes," Said the DPSO (Deer Park Swat Officer)

"25 counts of extortion, 12 counts of rape, 1 count necrophilia, 1 count bestiality, 84 counts of trafficking human organs, 6 counts of prostitution ..." which Farlef counted with "I did it willingly".

"692 counts of slavery and finally for selling Aids infested items knowingly to member's of the Deer Park Community". Stated the agent.

   To say Farlef was shocked was an understatement. This man was his idol, friend and most importantly his pawn shop owner and he did all those horrific things. Yet despite it all he couldn't help but want to help him. As Papi was being dragged away to parts unknown Farlef made a silent pact while looking into Papi's cold, dead eyes that he would definitely help him escape from wherever his prison was before he was executed in 3 weeks time. All he needed was a plan, materials and A 1950's gangster mailman who didn't take shit from no one and owned a Tommy gun. This is the Story about A Man Named Farlef.